Honest Confessions on Letting Go

(or)

FALLING IN AND OUT OF LOVE WITH A CONFUSED TWENTY-SOMETHING SEMI-CLOSETED LESBIAN

(or)

I CAN USUALLY TELL IN THE FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES IF SOMETHING'S GONNA WORK OUT FOR THE LONG HAUL SO WHY'D I EVER BOTHER WITH THIS ONE

(or)
A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO CRYING IN PUBLIC AT PARTIES OVER A COMPLETELY SELF-FABRICATED HISTORY OF SOMETHING THAT ONLY EVER SORT OF HAPPENED

(or)
HOW TO LET GO

One
Last Halloween,
Britney Malenda dressed up as Dora the Explorer
and got so drunk that she stood on a table and shouted,
"How many shots has Dora had? Ocho! Dora tiene ocho shots!"
Five minutes later
you were making out with drunk Dora in the middle of the living room
and in that moment,
for some reason,
I knew you had to be mine.

Two
I totally watched Django Unchained without you
over winter break even though I promised you I wouldn't,
and then pretended to be watching it
for the first time on our date.
That was the only time I ever lied to you—
which for me is a personal best.

Three
I have never found you sexier
than when you talk about German filmmakers,
struggle to ice skate,
or tell me that I am wrong.

Four
I have recurring dreams
about deep-cleaning
your apartment.

Five
The first time you told me
I could not stay the night because your roommate
might come home and see me,
I should've left you.
Not out of selfishness, or anger,
but because when you begin to rearrange
your vocabulary for someone else,
replacing words like unhealthy
with words like compromise,
you will begin to forget
your own name.

Six
You called me baby like flicking on a light switch,
something quick and easy
you knew you could do
to brighten up the room.
But I am sick of sleeping with the lights on
because you are afraid
of the monster in your closet,
and I was afraid
it had already climbed into bed with us,
or that I had been the monster
all along.

Seven
I told everyone how bad the sex was.
Because it was.

Eight
I have thought about you during sex with other people.

Nine
I've never wanted someone to hurt and be happy so badly.

Ten
I told you I loved you,
last resort.
I told you I loved you,
like a bomb shelter,
something to hide in after the fallout.
But we would always be hungrier
than our rations would allow.

Eleven
How do you tell someone
they taught you how to look at a seed
and see a flower?
You are blooming in another woman's garden
and I feel like I am the only one
who got her hands dirty.
When she bites into your roots,
she will taste my rainwater.
When she strips you naked,
she will pause between each article of clothing
to gawk at the result of my green thumb,
stop and say, how beautiful.

Twelve
I'm sorry
I have not yet forgotten
how to find you
beautiful.

Thirteen
I swear, I'm trying.

Fourteen
For Valentine's Day,
you got me an eggplant.
I don't remember the significance,
only that you covered the entire thing with silver sharpie
so you could write little messages in black,
which wouldn't show up in the purple,
when you could've just written them in silver
to begin with.
When you gave it to me,
I didn't even realize what it was because,
well,
eggplants are purple, babe.

You covered up everything
to be with me.

And I no longer knew
what I was.